My laptop screen is one of their favorite places to congregate – it’s warm electric glow draws them, and here they dance, and move around, and make me think that I’ve misspelled words when in fact it is just a gossamer wing distorting the letters. The laptop power supply delights them for the warmth it puts out, and the bag of what passes for salt & vinegar potato chips in this country has become a new sort of colony for flies – a ready made cavern stocked with food for whole generations of fly families! I’ve often wondered if there may not be some way to attach little cleaning brushes to the legs of flies; you see, they are fascinated with my M249 which collects dust and dirt and like a deranged magnet.
My food, however, remains the ultimate temptation for these disease-ridden beasties. The older flies are content to simply light upon it for a moment, take what they want, and fly off quickly. I can only hope that the mashed potatoes here have the same effect on them as they do on me. The young flies though, the daredevils, the red barons of the fly air force, they will zoom in – droning closer at what must be nearly mach 5, their deadly buzz filling the air as they swoop down onto my fork, sampling my meal even as my teeth snap shut; they escape from my maw like the Millennium Falcon escaping from the exogorth after the Battle of Hoth. Some of them will fly into my hair to harass me, and still others actually feel that my eyes make the best perches…truly an irritating creature.
I have made a hobby of slaying these foul things whenever I am in a position to do so. My fly-kata is an ancient martial form which most closely resembles the crazy gesticulations of a drunk ,streetcorner doomsday prophet. My patrol cap is my most trusted weapon in my one man fight against this horde, and though I have yet to rival the Brave Little Tailor of Grimm’s fame, someday I, too, will slay seven with one blow. Though let it be known, I have no compulsions to slay giants, trick unicorns, or capture boars – and I already have my princess.
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